broken pieces of me…

I am a Geek

You know… I was just typing up info for my About Me page and I realized something when I got near the end;

I’m a Geek.

Yeah… this isn’t a surprise to anyone that knows me, but if Me in Junior High, or even High School, saw me now… well, she wouldn’t believe it. Not necessarily the Geek part, in general, but this level of Geek yes.

My current LARP friends and even my co-workers likely wouldn’t believe how shy I used to be. My clothing, year-round (yes, even in the blistering Summer weather), consisted of jeans/slacks and long sleeved black or dark purple shirts. My hair was long and bang-less, and I always had it parted down one side so that it could shield one half of my face entirely. This wasn’t a fashion statement and I wasn’t ‘emo’.

I actually cared what people thought about how I looked… enough to cover myself up almost entirely. I hated the hair on my arms, so that’s why I wore long sleeves. I hated my face and I was crazy-shy, so I covered half of it (funny High School story about that too involving the Gym teacher) because covering all of it would have me running into walls. I walked with my eyes pointed at the ground/floor and only watched where I was going out of my peripheral vision. Originally I had started walking that way to manually straighten out my feet (no doctor’s orders or anything, I just noticed that my feet turned outwards at the toes and I didn’t like it) ’cause I’d watch my feet and force myself to turn my toes in as I walked. I honestly think that’s part of my problem with my knees cracking… but now I’m off topic.

So I was crazy shy and didn’t like how I looked at all. I didn’t get my first boyfriend until grade 10 so that didn’t help the self-esteem issues at all. It also didn’t help that I used to take people seriously and some jack-off in Junior High called me a ‘dog’ on the bus on our way to school. That’s stuck with me forever.

I had some great friends though, don’t get me wrong! None of them really knew about my self-esteem issues ’cause they also had issues of their own. I was just shy Hil; loved her sweets and kept her head down. I was a bit of a recluse and didn’t really go out much until I started working at the movie theatre uptown (it’s no longer there) and got to go to movies for free.

It was in University, when I was having a bad time (personal-life-wise), that a friend mentioned this group he was a part of. I had just gone through a break-up and was really torn up. He was afraid I’d go back to my recluse ways, and shut myself off from the world entirely, so he asked me to come out and see what it was all about. I hummed and hawed about it ’cause I was still rather shy, but he pestered and pestered until I eventually gave in.

First impressions are definitely important, but I’m lucky that they didn’t deter me. My first experience with LARP’ing ‘geeks’ really wasn’t great. It wasn’t even a ‘game’ night, it was a meeting where they were discussing the Game (that’s how we refer to it) and plots and plans for future events and the like. There were NO other females present and the guys that were there…well…let’s just say that some were a little scary to a shy gal. So after the meeting my friend assured me that it wasn’t all like ‘that’ and I should really go to a Game to see what it’s actually like. I agreed that I would try.

My friend helped me make a character that he thought I would enjoy. For anyone who’s familiar with White Wolf material, I made a good-natured Gangrel who loved animals (I can’t remember the book version at the time, but it was during the time of Beast traits). As a geeky side-note; If I knew then what I know now, my first character would have been built differently, but mostly only minor tweaks. LOL As another side-note… I actually had that character from ’98 until the ‘chronicle’ ended in ’04/’05 (can’t remember the year it ended… I know the new one started in ’05). She’s still my favourite character.

That first night I went and played my character… it was stressful. I never did Theatre Arts in High School. The closest I came to the stage (barring the Empty Stocking Fund at Christmas when I was in Elementary) was working on the props & set for plays & musicals in High School. I had never acted before and now I was ‘expected’ to act out this character that my friend helped me create. I’m sure my face was red the entire time and I know my heart was racing when it wasn’t stuck in my throat. The guy that played the Prince (title for the leader of the city in Vampire: The Masquerade) actually wore a suit?! (he was playing a Ventrue) Some people, other ‘players’, were walking around in trenchcoats, others in ripped up jeans & bandanas on their arms, others had varying degrees of costuming as well. From what I can remember, I just wore my usual clothes at the time (black slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt) because I had no idea how invested I should get into something I may not enjoy.

I had fun.

Sure I didn’t know anything about the rules, and things that people said went so far over my head I’d have to fly to reach them… but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. This wallflower found her garden.

And she blossomed.

I have made a wedding cake for an in-Game wedding (two characters marrying each other, not people legally marrying each other dressed up as their characters… just to clarify for anyone that doesn’t get the whole LARP is fantasy role-playing… not real life, and when I say “in-Game” I mean characters, not the people playing them). I have made costumes (simple and fancy). I have gained hobbies BECAUSE of the LARP group I’m a member of, like chainmail, scalemail, sewing (I knew roughly how to before, but wanting to make my own costumes lit a fire under my butt to get better at it so my Mom and Nan helped), and others. I have been to conventions in other provinces and even some in the US. I’ve made friends all over.

Best of all… I’m not as shy anymore. Side-effect: I’m a Geek… but at least I know what I am now.

Sure, I still don’t really like how I look, but everyone has thing(s) they would change about themselves if they could just magically make it so (mind you, even if I had the money, I wouldn’t do plastic surgery ’cause that just creeps me out). My dislike of my body doesn’t stop me from wearing whatever the heck I please now though. I will wear tank tops and don’t care what people think of my arms. My hair is still long and bang-less, but I don’t wear it over my face anymore. I look up and around when I walk ’cause my feet have been fixed for years and I’m no longer so shy that I don’t want to meet another’s gaze. I will randomly talk to people if they say “Hi” or “Good morning” or any other type of greeting (unless they’re fishing for money), and if someone looks like they’re lost I’ll ask if they need help.

So yeah. Young me wouldn’t believe her eyes if she saw me today, and I ‘blame’ LARP for that.

Thanks Shawn P.

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Leave a comment for: "I am a Geek"