broken pieces of me…

Note to Commenters

If you are a real person who is interested in commented on any of my posts, please fill out the little form below. I really hate sifting through spam, but I’d hate it even more if I deleted an actual comment from a valid human being.

So if you’d like to comment on any of my posts, or even if you just want to fill this out for the heck of it (I’m always curious about how people find me, but that’s not a ‘required’ field in my little form), have a go! Fill’er out (click on the expandable link below) and send it on to me!

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Real Person

* indicates required field

Testing a link

Okay… so I’m testing something out.

IMPORTANT: I’ll ask that my Facebook friends that read my website posts in Facebook NOT comment or Like this post at all or tag anyone (in Facebook). I snuck this from a performance and I’d rather not get into trouble for doing it. The performer asked me to, as well as a friend from out of town who couldn’t make any of the performances but wanted to hear the performer sing. If anyone comments or Likes or tags this in FB, I’ll have to take it down.

So let’s see if this plugin will work…

Nope… An-archos media plugin = Fail

However… Embedthevideo which is just simple coding help = WIN!

So here we go (click the link below):
Frank Perfomance

Just keep in mind that this is a large file and will take some time to download (for me it was like probably 10 minutes or so this morning, but my connection at work isn’t the greatest). It brings up a pop-up window and the player icon will show in the window but no indication that it’s actually doing anything. Just be patient. This will work for now until I find a better solution. And I apologize for the size… I tried editing the code to resize it to match the actual video (not square, and larger)… but it won’t take it.

I’ll try to post more later today. Lots going on.

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

So I don’t have a lot of time to post, but I feel I need to put something on my website or there’s no real point to it. Valid point, right? Most of my friends read this on FB anyway, ’cause my posts magically (not really, but it sounds more exicting this way) show up there from here… so they just look like messages that I posted.

Lots of things going on lately. Massive amount of prep for the upcoming convention in March, a commissioned costume piece or two, as well as the usual requests from family and friends for help with this craft project or another.

Realized today (actually it was earlier in the week, but I was too hectic-busy and stressed to even think about it again) that I need to update my list of items for completion before March and I should probably combine all my items in ONE Excel sheet (I love Excel for organizing data). I might actually sticky post it on this site too … that way I can cross/check things off as I complete them. Having others see my list might make me work faster too… Can’t really hurt!

Had some strange dreams last night/this morning too. One was definitely because I was wondering what the new episode of Lost Girl would be like (saw that it was recording on the PVR last night… which was probably why I had a dream about it), and the other I have NO idea.

That second dream was weird. I was on something like a farmstead and there was a small shack/home at one corner and a shallow pond in front of it with large tree trunks cut and floating in it. Someone, an unknown woman, came up to me and said that I should go about removing the spruce saplings because they were all infected and wouldn’t grow anymore. This person was wearing something like 19th Century garb, like you’d see at King’s Landing, and I knew her in the dream… but she’s not anyone I actually know. So I went to the shack and took up an axe that was leaning against the outside of the home and walked back over to the floating tree trunks. I then proceeded to step along the floating trees and chop at the small saplings that had been growing up out of small cavities along the trunks but had turned black. Briefly, I was worried that the trunks would roll and I’d fall between them and twist/break my leg (I was wearing a 19th Century style dress as well as heeled boots, fancier than you’d imagine for a labourer to wear), but I didn’t fall and soon I was near-done when I heard someone calling for help.

The woman was calling from across the road so I went to go help her out. Unfortunately after this point it’s fuzzy ’cause I woke up to my alarm clock then dozed off again but can’t remember anything else if it did continue. I seem to recall her having a baby though…

It probably didn’t help that my stomach was still upset when I went to bed, so that was probably affecting my brain too.

And someone sent a link in an e-mail this morning for the LARP organization that I’m a member of and I read the post. I liked it so much I thought I’d share it here for anyone who may be interested. On Being a Vampire Sort-Of…or…Why Fake Fangs Made Me Who I Am

I’ll try to work on getting pictures up of the Wedding Blessing scroll, that I did for a friend for his niece’s wedding, soon (like hopefully tomorrow).

That’s it from me for now (well I’ll post the list of projects as well in a second)
=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Truck in a tree

All right!

So I meant to post the other day, Tuesday it would have been, because of a strange dream I had. I didn’t get to posting about it… then Wednesday came and went. Now it’s Thursday and I can’t remember a whole lot about the dream.

It was steampunk-ish. I was in a lavishly furnished old-fashioned train car, riding along with a man much like Morgan Freeman. He was explaining how time travel was possible because of “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity” (…uhm… k) and we, time-travellers, created this train to make it easier to travel through time and it was a lot more comfortable than the alternative.

The train stopped and I got off ’cause I knew there was something I needed to do at that time and place, but once the train started up again and left… I had the fear of; “Now that I’ve gotten off… how will I find it again?” Because, you see, the train isn’t visible to those in the regular human time stream. In fact, when I got off the train, it was literally travelling down the middle of the road I was now standing beside… though not on regular train tracks… obviously.

Then this young woman, wearing a faery-like outfit including sheer wings, skipped up beside me and then past me saying in a sing-song voice, “Don’t worry. When you need to go again, you’ll find it.”

A moment later, and a few feet in front of me though still skipping away from me cheerfully, she remarks; “It’s going to fall.”

I look to my left, across the road (which appeared to be a rural country road & area), and there was a huge old tree with many thick branches. In the tree, near the top, were two birds’ nests and one of them did look like it was going to fall.

I said something to her about it being sad that the nest was going to fall out of the tree and she turned around to look at me and shook her head.

“Not that… the truck,” she gets close to me so she can point down and back, and… yes… down and to the left of where I was looking there was a relatively new looking tan coloured 1/2 ton truck sitting (top up, as if it had been meaning to land on the road that was maybe 15 feet from the tree it had actually landed in) on some of the thickest branches near the bottom and it was about to fall too. At the time, in the dream, I didn’t think it was odd that there was a truck in the tree, of course, and instead I looked back to my side of the road and past a green field and down a long, straight, driveway to a home. I thought it was such a shame that they weren’t going to have their truck anymore…

And then I woke up.

Also, today I found a blog site I fell in love with (and a reason to add another category to my Links page: Food).

I was looking for interesting ways to decorate a cake that I’m making tonight (I’m actually making two, but one needs to look like stone and trees, and not just regular trees… but trees made of stone) so, as usual, I hit up my old friend Google and see what it had to show me.

I got caught up in at least three different sites after a short bit of picture hopping:

“Hilary Makes”
“Bakerella”
“Smitten Kitchen”

I must say that so far (out of the few pages I’ve checked out on these sites), I really enjoy how Bakerella and Smitten Kitchen are written. It’s like they’re talking to you and they’re just a quirky as I feel most times.

Hope you like them too… and I’m sooooo trying out some of their recipes when I get a chance. And it got me thinking that I’ll probably do some baked goods for my family and LARP’ing friends again this year, but I think I’ll keep the variety of ‘goods’ down under 4. Last year it was insane! I also need to find things that will travel well so that I can put them in a celophane baggie instead of making origami boxes or worrying about them in paper bags (my last-minute rush item to pack cookies in when I realized that the boxes were taking too long).

Okay… that’s it for now. Time for me to prepare to decorate (after supper that is)

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

A couple of thoughts this morning…

For one, WordPress has let me down. On our site for our convention coming up next year (March 2012), I had set up the payment options page to automatically publish as of Aug 31st 2011 @ 23:59. I got up this morning and prepared for my dentist trip. Chris woke up and was preparing to head off to open the store ’cause it’s Steve’s little fella’s first day of Kindergarten Daycare. I asked Chris, as I was making my sandwich, if he’d check to see if the page had published. Nope, it didn’t.

… no? … NO?! Arg. So off I went to the dentist with the reminder playing through my head that I’d have to manually publish the page when I got to work, plus all the other updates to the site and actual work related stuff that needed to get done.

And the second thought I had was as I was heading to work after my dentist appointment. The cabbie made a comment about some woman walking her dog, as if he saw her often, and that caused me to realize that it would be REALLY easy to be a stalker as a cabbie. Scary thought.

Yep… that’s it for now. Told ya it would be short!

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Well I’m sure it wasn’t ‘suddenly’… but the bloody thing sounded like a bird.

So last night, as we were preparing for bed, my fella noticed a humongous moth in the window. He pulled up the blinds to show me and the thing came into the room and fluttered frantically around the ceiling light. I exercised my girlie rights and took that time to retreat to the washroom and brush my teeth while he went to find his moth catching kit (which consisted of a female clothing flyer I had gotten with an online order recently and a shoe box from a pair of sandals I had gotten sometime mid-Summer).

See… we’re into the whole catch and release thing… however Mothra didn’t cooperate. Chris lost track of it when he went to get the ‘kit’ and I was in the washroom so I wasn’t tracking its flight patterns.

So we went to bed, wondering if the thing was going to try and carry one of us or the cat away in our sleep.

Around 02:26, or so, I was awoken by the sound of wings beating on the window. It woke Chris up too ’cause he got up and grabbed the flyer… and only the flyer.

I’m sorry… but you interrupt the sleep of a most-times insomniac and see if you come out of it unscathed.

He’s pretty sure he hit him, but he couldn’t find a body (he didn’t turn on the light that late/early though ’cause I’m sure he didn’t want me to wake up fully… even though I already was awake) and I couldn’t find one this morning… though admittedly it was dark in the room this morning because of the rain clouds still about.

That’s another thing too… I woke up around 04:10 because of the rain. It was coming down pretty heavy at that time but when I walked to work it was just a really heavy mist.

When I got up to work I had a guest in the front doorway (we have an outside door to our side of the building that we don’t lock, and then an inside door that leads upstairs, the outside door doesn’t get locked ’cause we don’t have a key… yet). A homeless guy was sleeping diagonally in our front doorway with his head propped on his napsack. Tangent: I wonder if that’s where that name actually came from for a ‘bookbag’/over-the-shoulders sack… napsack so that you could nap on it when you weren’t travelling… I should look that up. (if anyone’s interested… I just did after finishing writing this post and found: knapsack … not what I was expecting… but that’s what I get for spelling it wrong initially [before I spell checked, I spelled it "napsack"... LOL])

Anyway… I closed up my umbrella, while he slept, preparing to rap him over the head with the solid handle if he gave me trouble, but as soon as I opened the door and looked down at him, he jumped up and said he was on his way. I didn’t even have to say anything.

I do sympathize ’cause it was raining REALLY hard overnight, even if it was just misting this morning, but it’s not acceptable to sleep in the doorway of my place of business. I don’t mind chasing them off ’cause I used to have to do it when I worked at the movie theatre uptown if there were no guys working (management preferred we got the guys to do it for safety’s sake) and I was only a teenager then… but there are other gals here that would be more uncomfortable and likely just leave instead of try to get past them.

So yeah. That was my excitement late last night until just now. Who knows what the rest of the day will bring!

I hope yours is just as exciting… but with less giant moths and homeless guys. How about coming into money, or someone bringing you flowers, or taking a nice trip, or getting to play with kittens/puppies, or teaching your child something fun and new, or your child teaching you something fun and new? Those sound like some fun and exciting things!

TTFN
=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Strange title, yeah? Well I had a strange dream last night/this morning. Get it? …Cranberries… Dream?

Or rather… the dream itself wasn’t THAT strange… but how it changed was odd/amusing.

So I was running through some woods naked, zipping between trees and over moss adorned boulders. I didn’t notice that I had changed until I caught sight of my large fur-covered clawed hand grabbing the trunk of a small tree out of the corner of my eye as I used the tree to swing myself into a different direction. I was travelling towards something purposefully and aggressively. Territorial rage was bubbling up inside me as I spotted my adversary.

Then the dream became more of a 3rd person observational perspective and I watched as the two werewolves grapple and tear at each other with claws and jaws. “I” killed the other werewolf successfully (dream switched back to 1st person perspective at this point) and was about to howl in triumph, but then I heard something.

Men talking… and gulls.

The voices were familiar and, as I started to stalk closer, I could hear the ocean lapping against the shore. That calming sound of waves rushing up over large stones and rocks and then retreating just as quickly, pulling some of the stones with them.

At this point I noticed that I was no longer a werewolf, and no longer naked. I was wearing my long earthy brown skirt and some dark tank top. The trees were thinning out as I got closer to where I could hear the guys… but I stepped out onto the large pale gray-white stones and couldn’t see anyone.

Then from behind me I could hear Frank talking about singing with John. I turned around quickly and saw Frank, John, Mike and Norm, but I get the feeling there may have been others too. We walked on the stones on the beach, and I walked right along the edge where the water was washing up over stones so that it just tickled the bottoms of my feet. Mike was talking to me about swimming for a little bit. They all started talking about singing and Game and I started to participate in the conversation as we came to the end of the stoney part of the beach.

Sand stretched for the rest of the way, and instead of a forest on the land-side there was a cliff-face. At the base of the cliff a bunch of fold-out chairs were set up and by the legs of the chairs were small yellow plastic mushrooms stuck in the sand as if someone were trying to make them look real. Norm came over and looked at them and said they looked like Smurf-sized mushrooms. I laughed & woke up.

And that’s when I heard the gulls outside the window.

Darn things changed my dream!

It was interesting how it changed though… the first half was lush and verdant in colour (with deep red blood when the fight happened) but wild and violent in nature/emotion, but the second half was cool and cold in colour (barely having any but the blue from the ocean and what we were wearing and then the bright yellow of the ‘mushrooms’) and calm and serene in nature/emotion as we walked along.

If anyone goes looking for an interpretation of the things in my dream… these are some of the things I found on an online dream definitions site (I’m not including stuff after I heard the gulls in the dream ’cause that wasn’t a natural progression, I was affected by outside sources… stupid loud gulls outside my window! And I’ve only included the snippets relating to how these things were in MY dream):

  • Woods
    To see the woods in your dream, represent life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, the woods symbolize the unknown and the unconscious. You need to open yourself up to discovering your potential and your instinctual nature.
    To dream that you are walking through the woods, signify your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual. If you are walking out of the woods, then the dream may be a literal depiction of being “out of the woods” or being in the clear of some situation.
  • Zoomorphism
    To dream that you are changing into the form of an animal, indicates that you are becoming less civilized, less restrained and becoming more free and instinctive. You may be expressing your newfound freedom/independence and experiencing a lack of boundaries. Alternatively, taking the form of an animal, suggests that your primal desires and/or repressed sexual urges are coming to the surface and needing to be satisfied. Consider also the animal that your turn into.
  • Werewolf
    To see a werewolf in your dream, indicates that something in your life is not what it seems. It is symbolic of fear, repressed anger, and uncontrollable violence.
    To dream that you are a werewolf, suggests that some aspects of your personality are hurtful and even dangerous to your own well-being. You are headed down an undesirable path. Alternatively, a werewolf refers to your repressed instincts.
  • Murder
    To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
  • Killing
    To dream that you kill someone, indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

As a side-note: It must look like my little velvet heart is beating while I walk ’cause it bounces on its little metal hoop attached to my purse. I thought of that this morning as I was walking to work.

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

I am a Geek

You know… I was just typing up info for my About Me page and I realized something when I got near the end;

I’m a Geek.

Yeah… this isn’t a surprise to anyone that knows me, but if Me in Junior High, or even High School, saw me now… well, she wouldn’t believe it. Not necessarily the Geek part, in general, but this level of Geek yes.

My current LARP friends and even my co-workers likely wouldn’t believe how shy I used to be. My clothing, year-round (yes, even in the blistering Summer weather), consisted of jeans/slacks and long sleeved black or dark purple shirts. My hair was long and bang-less, and I always had it parted down one side so that it could shield one half of my face entirely. This wasn’t a fashion statement and I wasn’t ‘emo’.

I actually cared what people thought about how I looked… enough to cover myself up almost entirely. I hated the hair on my arms, so that’s why I wore long sleeves. I hated my face and I was crazy-shy, so I covered half of it (funny High School story about that too involving the Gym teacher) because covering all of it would have me running into walls. I walked with my eyes pointed at the ground/floor and only watched where I was going out of my peripheral vision. Originally I had started walking that way to manually straighten out my feet (no doctor’s orders or anything, I just noticed that my feet turned outwards at the toes and I didn’t like it) ’cause I’d watch my feet and force myself to turn my toes in as I walked. I honestly think that’s part of my problem with my knees cracking… but now I’m off topic.

So I was crazy shy and didn’t like how I looked at all. I didn’t get my first boyfriend until grade 10 so that didn’t help the self-esteem issues at all. It also didn’t help that I used to take people seriously and some jack-off in Junior High called me a ‘dog’ on the bus on our way to school. That’s stuck with me forever.

I had some great friends though, don’t get me wrong! None of them really knew about my self-esteem issues ’cause they also had issues of their own. I was just shy Hil; loved her sweets and kept her head down. I was a bit of a recluse and didn’t really go out much until I started working at the movie theatre uptown (it’s no longer there) and got to go to movies for free.

It was in University, when I was having a bad time (personal-life-wise), that a friend mentioned this group he was a part of. I had just gone through a break-up and was really torn up. He was afraid I’d go back to my recluse ways, and shut myself off from the world entirely, so he asked me to come out and see what it was all about. I hummed and hawed about it ’cause I was still rather shy, but he pestered and pestered until I eventually gave in.

First impressions are definitely important, but I’m lucky that they didn’t deter me. My first experience with LARP’ing ‘geeks’ really wasn’t great. It wasn’t even a ‘game’ night, it was a meeting where they were discussing the Game (that’s how we refer to it) and plots and plans for future events and the like. There were NO other females present and the guys that were there…well…let’s just say that some were a little scary to a shy gal. So after the meeting my friend assured me that it wasn’t all like ‘that’ and I should really go to a Game to see what it’s actually like. I agreed that I would try.

My friend helped me make a character that he thought I would enjoy. For anyone who’s familiar with White Wolf material, I made a good-natured Gangrel who loved animals (I can’t remember the book version at the time, but it was during the time of Beast traits). As a geeky side-note; If I knew then what I know now, my first character would have been built differently, but mostly only minor tweaks. LOL As another side-note… I actually had that character from ’98 until the ‘chronicle’ ended in ’04/’05 (can’t remember the year it ended… I know the new one started in ’05). She’s still my favourite character.

That first night I went and played my character… it was stressful. I never did Theatre Arts in High School. The closest I came to the stage (barring the Empty Stocking Fund at Christmas when I was in Elementary) was working on the props & set for plays & musicals in High School. I had never acted before and now I was ‘expected’ to act out this character that my friend helped me create. I’m sure my face was red the entire time and I know my heart was racing when it wasn’t stuck in my throat. The guy that played the Prince (title for the leader of the city in Vampire: The Masquerade) actually wore a suit?! (he was playing a Ventrue) Some people, other ‘players’, were walking around in trenchcoats, others in ripped up jeans & bandanas on their arms, others had varying degrees of costuming as well. From what I can remember, I just wore my usual clothes at the time (black slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt) because I had no idea how invested I should get into something I may not enjoy.

I had fun.

Sure I didn’t know anything about the rules, and things that people said went so far over my head I’d have to fly to reach them… but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. This wallflower found her garden.

And she blossomed.

I have made a wedding cake for an in-Game wedding (two characters marrying each other, not people legally marrying each other dressed up as their characters… just to clarify for anyone that doesn’t get the whole LARP is fantasy role-playing… not real life, and when I say “in-Game” I mean characters, not the people playing them). I have made costumes (simple and fancy). I have gained hobbies BECAUSE of the LARP group I’m a member of, like chainmail, scalemail, sewing (I knew roughly how to before, but wanting to make my own costumes lit a fire under my butt to get better at it so my Mom and Nan helped), and others. I have been to conventions in other provinces and even some in the US. I’ve made friends all over.

Best of all… I’m not as shy anymore. Side-effect: I’m a Geek… but at least I know what I am now.

Sure, I still don’t really like how I look, but everyone has thing(s) they would change about themselves if they could just magically make it so (mind you, even if I had the money, I wouldn’t do plastic surgery ’cause that just creeps me out). My dislike of my body doesn’t stop me from wearing whatever the heck I please now though. I will wear tank tops and don’t care what people think of my arms. My hair is still long and bang-less, but I don’t wear it over my face anymore. I look up and around when I walk ’cause my feet have been fixed for years and I’m no longer so shy that I don’t want to meet another’s gaze. I will randomly talk to people if they say “Hi” or “Good morning” or any other type of greeting (unless they’re fishing for money), and if someone looks like they’re lost I’ll ask if they need help.

So yeah. Young me wouldn’t believe her eyes if she saw me today, and I ‘blame’ LARP for that.

Thanks Shawn P.

=^..^= Bean =^..^=

Please be patient

To anyone who may be looking for updates from me (though it’s been over 2 years since my last one… so I’m kind of doubting that)… I’ve had to completely wipe my site in order to update to mySQL5.  So please be patient as I get my posts back online (though I’ll be including the old comments people made as part of the post so that it doesn’t just show that I commented on my own blog).

Also I’ll be doing a lot of formatting and theme testing, so be prepared for things to shift often for a little while until I find something I like. 

Cheers!

=^..^=  Bean  =^..^=

Ever have one of those days when you can’t seem to focus? I mean… almost not at all?

I’m having one of those days.

This morning, on the way into work in the truck with my father, he mentioned that we were going to stop for gas and I suddenly realized we were about 10 minutes from home already. Yikes… where did the time/space go??

Then… while he was getting gas into the truck, I was listening to the radio, CBC in the truck as always, and they were talking about the methadone clinic in Saint John. And I thought; I wonder who came up with the red triangle backing with the green maple leaf dead center on the top edge of the triangle for the Canadian Tire logo?

I did make a point of paying attention when Dad was talking about how he’s going to miss going out in the field for training/work. Even in this sort of weather (it’s currently, at the moment of typing this part: [holy s***] -32 C … no wind THANKFULLY! … seeing that makes me want to just cab down to my fella’s after work!)

Back on the topic… Dad is sad. I could hear it in his voice. It’s depressing when some things change… at least the things you enjoy, and especially as you grow older. Which reminds me… I need to get back into physical artforms.

I’ve been chaining myself to my computer working on CG (reminds me that I need to get a good app on here [my site] so that I can upload images) but I’m soon going to be strapping myself into my sewing machine. We have a trip mid-to-late March and I need to make some outfits for that. Can’t wait!!!

But also I got some lovely paints and oil pastels from a friend for Christmas that I want to crack open and I want to try my hand at making critters with Fimo. Need some black paper for the oil pastels though… I love the sharp contrast. I should scan in some of my chalk pastels on black construction paper… I love the look of colour on black.

I think I’m coming down with that cold or whatever finally. My nose is so stuffed up and my brain feels like someone’s sitting on it. I’m currently drinking some Green Tea with a very generous dose of honey (need to go buy more!) to try make myself feel more normal.

At least the time appears to be flying. Which is definitely a good thing today. I don’t know how productive I’m going to be at all with my brain feeling like it does. I should be thankful though if it’s a side-effect of a cold/flu… ’cause this is the first real one I’ve had since the Winter season started! Woot for me! We’ll see how it progresses through the day.

Now I’m going to work on a celtic knot that has been consuming me for the past 2 days. When I get it done I *will* post it!!! Promise!

Stay warm and cozy people!
~ BeAn ~

Side note: odd comments strike me funny… like last night the guy on the phone at the VIA Rail order desk said that I type fast (I was asking my friend a question about her discount card on MSN while I was on the phone with him ’cause he couldn’t find it in the system). I laughed and told him my speed, and what’s normal (typically). LOL